New shawl design, fingering weight merino. Warning: ramblings follow this pretty photo.
I didn’t start out 2014 in a strong manner, with good intentions and focus and all that. Instead, I limped into it with illness, some yucky health issues (I have seen the doctor, working it out), no plan for the year, and NO COFFEE due to aforementioned health issues! The knitting continues as it always does, but thinking? My brain feels like mush topped with self-pity, with a big dollop of exhaustion stirred in.
It’s halfway through January and I already feel like I’m wasting my year. I feel left behind, obsolete. I tend to fall into the rather deep well of feeling not good enough. Not interesting enough. Not wacky enough. Not smart or innovative enough. Not creative or unique enough. Not fast or prolific enough. Not writing a book. Not making enough money. Not one of the cool kids. Left out of professional and social stuff because I’m not interesting or skilled enough. I hear it’s not reality, but it’s the way it feels.
So what do I do? I love my job – designing, writing patterns, making pretty things for other people (hopefully you!) to knit. I know all the business books will say I need to grow my business, think bigger, do more promo and marketing and all that. But what if I don’t want to? All that stuff feels false to me. I’ve never wanted to be the Most Famous Knitting Designer or even a little bit famous, as long as I could support myself and my wee family.
I guess if I don’t want to do all those Big Things and get my business moving, I should work for someone else who can handle those things, get a DayJob to make money and push design off to the side. It would be nice to have the regular money and stability. At the same time, I just don’t know who I am without being a knitting designer. I can’t see giving it up, at all.
Forgive my ramblings. I’m really not much of a writer, and I’m very introspective either! I hesitate to put so much of myself out there, on the internet, for all to read. I suppose all this has just built up for long enough that it finally bubbled over onto the page (screen).
I’m great at telling other people to take care of themselves, but I know it feels self-absorbed. Everyone has problems! Some people have WAY more problems and far less money than you! Stop feeling sorry for yourself! It doesn’t really work that way, does it?